MANAGING EXPECTATIONS
When I look back into my past, I no longer feel ashamed of my experiences. Instead, I examine my past trauma and compare it to what is happening in my life today. The comparison is not to provoke and relive memories but rather, be proud of what I've been through as a testament of who I am now.
When you remember that you are a human being, you treat people with humanity. Everyone is on their own trajectory in life, and if they mean something to us we must learn to hold space for them wherever they are in that process.
I remember the anger I had in my heart after my abuse like it was yesterday. I wanted everyone to pay at the expense of my pain. I was irritable, I had no patience and there was no space for reconciliation. Once you've done me wrong, my bags were packed.
It took many years of self-preservation to dig deep inside of myself and face the music. I learned true forgiveness, when it was time to forgive myself. Closure with that ex-boyfriend was not necessary. My version of closure was to evaluate the patterns in my life that caused me to stay in a toxic relationship for so long.
Why did I need to seek validation in a relationship, that did not have my best interest at heart?
How can I learn to be the love, that I envision and want for myself?
I decided to make a pledge to provide and pour that love into myself as much as possible, rather than expecting someone else to do it.
How was I going to let someone into my heart if I did not know it?
Forgiveness is not easy. I believe that those who have an issue with it, believe that it is a slap on the wrist for the person who offended you. That is far from the truth. Forgiveness is powerful and it comes with stipulations. Trust must be earned over time.
When people hurt you, it is a public display of their own brokenness. From the words of Sarah Jakes Roberts, "We are often desperate for validation from someone that we fail to realize their humanity."
Every time that I've been disappointed, it was due to my expectations of the other person. I had to develop a flexible bone in my body. I had to express what was not fair to me, why it was not fair to me and be willing to overpower my disappointment with forgiveness for the greater good. The greater good is hope, and reconciliation. EXHAUSTING!!!!!! However, the greater good is far more rewarding to me than holding on to resentment.
Now, I almost always forgive folks on the spot. I want to turn your attention to a brief story that will explain this. I have always been the kind of daughter that worked hard, received accolades and awards to make my mom proud. Life handed her a hard deck of cards and she was doing her very best to survive. I wanted to be the reason she had a smile on her face. While my mom has been my main cheerleader in my corner, I didn't realize how much I poisoned myself each time I waited to hear my mom say "I am so proud of you." It was not until I went to law school, (the most terrible experience of my life), that I realized I no longer wished to live my life according to anyone's expectations but mine. I needed to come to terms with the mere fact that this is one accomplishment that will lead me to an even greater accomplishment for no one else but me.
As I count down the days to graduation, things get rocky. You will notice that once you are about to tap into another dimension in your life, there will be obstacles.
My mother attempts her version of "words of encouragement" and says,
"You've lost so much already, you could have been further."
My heart was already broken, so there wasn't any more damage she could have done. It stung a bit, but I already forgave her for it. Why? because I knew, that what was happening to me wasn't a set back. Growth allows you to look at everything as a teachable moment.
At the end of the day, I am not in control of my destiny because what God decides is for me will propel me forward. I do not have a threshold to hold pain and anger in my heart. In fact, I release those emotions almost instantly. Absolutely nothing will block me from my blessings. Make room for new energy.
Forgiveness is a derivative of God's love. I've learned to love in a way that God loves me. It is not easy, but when I read 1 Corinthians 13 it describes the elements of His love:
"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Replace love with your name and read it out loud.
Replace love with your partner's name and read it out loud.
I read those words aloud and I strive to be them, so that I can invite that kind of love into my life. Love is not just a word. It is an action. It is waking up every single day and supporting the person you love through the good and the bad. Don't overthink out of something special.
On the other hand, if you are the offender seeking someone's forgiveness, you can't force anyone to forgive you. Your life does not stop at the expense of someone's feelings towards you. Your character and your integrity is not contingent upon their inability to see your worth or value in their life.
"When a person shows you who they are, believe them."- Maya Angelou.
I have given people so many chances, and I realize now that it has been to my own detriment. Nothing was accomplished during that time. Empty promises and what was asked of me was not reciprocated. People will manipulate you into being who they want you to be for them. They sell you a dream rather than revealing who they really are from the beginning.
In a world of instant gratification, it is hard to decipher authenticity. People lack substance and lack the will to create the life they deserve.
Many people think that love is the other person satiating your pain. It's not. Love is not a facade or a cover up, it is real, it exposes you for who you really are, it takes sacrifice and it is unconditional.
A holier than thou mentality does not work. Self-righteousness is often misconceived as high standards or this comforting place of "This is just the way I am."
"Current patterns are just manifestations of past emotions"- Sarah Jakes Roberts.
Pay attention to those around you. What are their patterns? Are they a habitual offender? Do they make decisions out of fear or hold onto their insecurities?
Feelings of abandonment, or inadequacy are a defense. Demolish these destructive patterns in order to connect with true intimacy and realize the divine calling over your life. If you are looking through the lens of love, your reaction is not out of fear it is a response that is difficult but warm.
LOVE IS ABOUT UNDERSTANDING. It can be so painful and it might not feel like love at times, but is it worth it? Then you fight for it.
"Forgive yourself for allowing someone who did not understand your worth determine your value." - SJR
Sarah Jakes Roberts' book, "Don't Settle For Safe," is critical for me right now. She states that when you continue to engage with folks who are not conscious or aware of anything I've talked about in the above, it is absolutely dangerous. Their growth is with God, not with you.
While everyone comes to the table flawed, RISE ABOVE IT.
Do not let anyone devalue you. Release them. Let God fashion them to be what or who they are meant to be.
Only God can make you whole, only God can renew your spirit and calm your anxious heart.
Love and Light,
Raïna
Comments
Post a Comment