CAST OUT JEALOUS SPIRITS

While on the road to wellness, we may bump into a few people who are blinded by the light within us. Sometimes, our drive, passion and character is much too perfect, too masterful, and too welcoming for some folk. I say this because, we experience jealousy far too easily. Instead of supporting one another, and building each other up, we get mad that we didn't think about the idea first, or we didn't execute something as well as another person. Sometimes, the people closest to us, are filled with jealous spirits. Sometimes they are our friends, our sisters, our spouses. They've gotten to know you, they see how successful you are and only see the end results, but not the hard work and elbow grease you put into your dreams to get you where you are today. 

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a star. I always knew that I was made to be an entertainer. I wanted to make people happy. More importantly, I wanted to make my mother proud. She worked so hard but never truly had time to enjoy herself. I wanted to be the reason she smiled. I always knew that I had a creative spirit, since my siblings were in their pre-teens by the time I was born, I usually played around the house on my own. The stage was my oasis.

I begged my mom to sign me up for dance, ballet, tap, jazz, voice lessons, theater, ice skating, orchestra, you name it, I did it. One, I was talking to myself way too often, so it was time to make some real people friends, not my "imaginary" friends. Two,  Hollywood was my absolute dream. The Fame, the Fortune, every thing about it fascinated me. I wanted to be the next Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, whatever mega super star you can think of. Even at a very young age, I knew that if I put my mind to it, I could be amazing at anything and everything as long as I worked hard at it. I was a dreamer and a go getter. Disney channel, didn't help. I wanted to be the next Britney and JT, rising to fame from kid stardom.

From the ages of 10-18 years old, I had a very hectic schedule. It was after school rehearsals, viola lessons, church choir rehearsals, church service, student council president, meetings, internships, youth leader, praise and worship, orchestra all day Sundays,speaking engagements, concerts galore all around the city of Boston. 

I was the God-daughter of the Head Pastor and First Lady, I was the church superstar. God forbid, I made a mistake, I just couldn't afford to make a mistake.

That's not including academics, and you know I had to be on honor roll there was no such thing as failure. This schedule meant a lot of time to myself, my thoughts and a lot of loneliness. The only time I had with my friends was in school. I didn't have time to go to "so and so's" basement party because, I needed the weekends to catch up on my homework, and momma was strict, she didn't play that. I guess that made a lot of people think that I was "too good to hang out" when really, I was just sheltered and kind of awkward. I hid my real self behind the spotlight on stage. 

I had NO LIFE. SO! I did what any teenager does. I rebelled. I dated a "non christian", I started lying to my parents. I started having fun. Oh NO! Raina had fun, put the shackles on her feet. (rolls eyes emoji) I posted a picture of me and my then bf on Facebook and that was all them jealous spirits needed to throw me under the bus. 

Pictures of me hugged up on my non-conservative non-baptist beau, were printed and passed around to the deacons of my church and went all the way up to my god father. I was in denial, like most teenagers, "but he still believes in God, but he's still a "christian" whatever that means.....

All I had to do was make one mistake, and that was it, it was over for me. 

I couldn't sing in church anymore, I couldn't lead the youth. I was getting prank called and bullied by my "peers" calling me all kinds of names. It was insanely difficult to experience such hatred from people I thought were my friends and my church family. Even the parents of those children were happy, they found something on me, it really didn't matter what it was. 

It was as if, I wasn't allowed to be human and other children were able to do anything and everything they pleased. Like seriously?? C'mon I was being a TEENAGER. I didn't get pregnant out of wedlock, and I wasn't failing school. I was a kid! I just wanted to be a kid. Children are so cruel. BULLIES, lead many youth, worldwide, to suicide or severe trauma. Even adults, are struggling with pain and not healing from it.

Even though it was tough to have all of my privileges taken away from me because of my actions, over some stupid boy. I needed to go through it to understand that when there is a lot on the line for you, you owe it to yourself to be consistent or don't put yourself up for the task.

 To much is given, much is required. Oh..ya and keep your personal relationships off of social media. HA! I learned my lesson. Ya'll not about to be all up in my bedroom trying to decipher my relationship status. MMM, No boo-boo back up. 

Honestly, I needed to learn humility and to understand that the gifts that God gave me are to be His servant, not to serve myself. The light that I have within me is to be shared with others, not to basque in my own glory. 

On the other hand, as the elders say, "God don't like ugly". I won't touch on where some of the people who bullied me are in their lives, but, let's just say that I've managed to just keep my flame burning even brighter than it was before. God has truly blessed me. Halfway to my Juris Doctor and I am my own boss. #WontHedoit, I did not allow other people's insecurities to shrink me or my goals and I never, ever will. 

I also learned that, it was important for me to surround myself with people who love me for the overly dramatic, ambitious, hard-headed, weirdo that I am today. Or else you Gots-tuh-go. I choose not to have non-genuine people around me. Because I'm really a genuine person. Reciprocity and good vibes, mean everything to me. It keeps me grounded. 

When the time comes for me to have a family, I will allow my children to be themselves. There won't be this insane pressure for them to be this picture perfect human being. Instead, I want them to  enjoy life, make smart mistakes, to learn from them. In order to be a leader you must fail miserably. Your character and your resilience is what makes you an amazing leader.

Parents put so much pressure on their kids, and don't even realize that it causes us to coil. There is a whole part of me I kept to myself for so long, because of the trauma I experienced. I had to learn to forgive people, who are supposed to be "Godly" people, for their not so Godly behavior. That took a lot of time. I had to really humble myself and let go of my anger and resentment. Can you imagine? I'm blessed to have a mother to love me unconditionally despite my mistakes. What about the youth, struggling with insecurities, and being bullied by their peers at church. What about the young men struggling with devoting their life to God and their loyalty to gangs. When people who are supposed to be the light of the world turn on you, you turn to darkness.

I went through a very dark, dark period for a very long time. I work on that every day, and I'm not ashamed to say that I am a work in progress. 

There may be a darkness present, or a cry for help that someone close to you is struggling with. This is why I check in on my friends and family members even though they may or may not be checking in on me. I want them to know I am here for them and I love them. Most parents, don't find out about that darkness until that person hurts themselves and it is too late. I forgive people so easily now because I understand that no one is perfect and we are all really just students of this thing called life.

I encourage you to be well and strong within yourself before taking on anything. Love on you as much as you can. You deserve it. Know yourself, and know your worth. You owe it to yourself in order to keep shining your light for others.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, remind yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are BRAVE and POWERFUL and STRONG. Know that I love you and I encourage you to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 for a safe space to heal.

Love and light,

Raina Jacques

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist, I am just an individual sharing my own personal experiences with the world. 

**I do not own the rights to the photo above**