INSIDE OUT

"Leave a note, and make sure you tell them I did it." that is what my on again off again for 10 year relationship led to when I told him that I was contemplating suicide.  Maybe he thought I was just looking for attention, but I wasn't, I was just looking for love in all of the wrong places.

 There was just so much going on in my personal life,and my family life. Way too many secrets that I was holding from everyone. I was overwhelmed and afraid of judgement. Afraid of what others may think and maybe afraid of shaming me for it.   

The pain I was feeling every day, was just not bearable. I was feeling like I was bringing on these problems onto myself. I was THAT GIRL that sounded like a broken record to my friends, every time I'd take the high road and level up and then go right back to the abuse again. 

My friends started to say things like "okay, if that's what we're doing" "okay, if you're happy I'm happy" when really you know that's code for "GIRL!! REALLY??!!! C'MON!!!"

I was THAT GIRL, that needed help but didn't know how to cry out for it. 

Honestly, I've had this post drafted for a very long time. I didn't know how to press publish without having reservations. As I said, I'm still a work in progress, but I promised to be transparent. It's just unfortunate that I'm sharing this with you along with some very bad news.

Truth is, those words torment me to this very day. It's not that I feel the same way because I do not. I've learned to love myself in unimaginable ways, I did the work, I sought therapy I even told my mom the truth eventually. It just came out. 

When my mother sat on my bed after I expressed myself to my family, and said "How could you do that to me? I gave you life, how could you take your life from me?" I felt an emotion from her, that I've worked so hard all these years to avoid. DISAPPOINTMENT. 

I knew that I needed to fight, because my purpose is beyond me. My footprint, my last name, my legacy, is beyond me. God wasn't finished with me yet. 

Part of trauma is learning how to push through the pain of opening the wound, cleaning it with antibiotics and covering the wound back up again to prevent infection, so the wound can heal properly. It's important to take charge of your life. Quite frankly, there is nothing easy about healing, AT ALL. It is just HARD. You're coming into yourself and learning things about you that you might not like too much and loving yourself through it anyway.

"I needed to take myself away from the place where I got sick." I check in, I unpack my emotions now, with God, with my partner, or my cousin Djena who I love so much. I've come a very long way and it helps. It's the medicine I need. It's my food for thought. 

Unfortunately, I recently learned of a friend I grew up with, took his own life. This pains me. 

I've been where he was. Alone, dark and stormy, invisible, and drained.  But I'm here and he's not. All I can think of is, could I have helped? Where were the signs? We are all thinking that way, I know. 

The answer is, Nothing. This is beyond our control. Truth is there is a spiritual world outside of the world we live in. The angels and the demons are constantly at war. Don't forget that the devil, was God's best angel. The devil knows the tricks, he knows how to appear in your life as someone "closest to you" without you realizing it. People, if you're not covered in the word, you are vulnerable to his trickery. We have to suit up with the armor of the Lord to fight the demons that try to appear in our life and shake us up. Instead they should feel threatened, every morning we wake up and put our feet on the floor. 

I was vulnerable, Kimson was vulnerable. 

Kimson, I just wish you knew, that you were worth fighting for. I just wish we were there to help you fight just a little bit longer. 

We are all in this together. 

Hey bro, Hey Sis, I'm here when you need me. Because I need you.

 I got you. 

Love and Light,

Raina Jacques

              I do not own the rights to the photo above.